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Post by jamie on Dec 10, 2008 8:29:05 GMT -4
It had all started innocently enough...an accident even! One fateful day Jamie had learned the hard way that you don't just do that thing like the guy with the crazy hair from Seinfeld's did where you just knock and immediately enter a room.
The details were a little blurry now, except for some of them that were now permanently emblazoned on his brain. He'd been going to get Guido for something or other, and like he'd done a dozen times prior, he knocked on Guido's door and stepped in to tell him something when-
-sweet mother it was just too unbearable. Guido was bent over trying to fish up his pants by the waistline, and aimed right at him like two pasty over sized hams was one hairy derriere.
Like a deer in headlights, Jamie had been frozen in some gaping mouthed position while Guido had scrambled to pull up his pants and retain his dignity. It had been a harmless incident, but it had left some pretty permanent scars. Jamie had sworn off ham indefinitely.
And during one of the many sleepless nights that followed, Jamie hatched a plan that should have never been. A war was started. He just had to get him back. He mooned the camera and emailed it to Guido.
Back and forth this went for months, each one of them trying to out do the other in a twisted game of moon wars. But today...Jamie was about to unleash the mother of all moons.
Twenty multiples waited in the garden, hidden behind a long row of hedges. Jamie's job was to lure Guido toward the garden, and then...well, turn day into night so to speak.
The problem was how was he going to do it? Nah well, he'd think of something. "Hey, Guido," Jamie said as he lay a hand on the man's shoulder and peered over to see what he was reading.
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Post by Guido Carosella on Dec 10, 2008 23:17:45 GMT -4
You'd be surprised at how hard it was to find peace and quiet in this place.
It looked serene, from the outside. Plenty of green space, huge house, lots of trees, pool, lake, the works.
It also contained a raving pack of pubescent mutant kids. Lots of older residents who thrived on drama and angst. Not to mention a basement full of alien technology and a room that got blown up regularly.
Guido liked his Disturbed as loud as the next guy, but there were times when a guy wanted to exercise the brain a little. He had been a bookworm and a dork back in the day, and some things never changed. There was nothing like sitting back and savoring some fine literature.
The couch creaked dangerously as he leaned back and propped his feet up on the coffee table. He gently caressed the tome in his hand. This one he'd been waiting for for years. It was almost a shame to read it now, as the anticipation was almost more fun.
He sighed with pleasure as he turned to the first page. "400 pages of The Tick! I never thought I'd see the day."
His musings were interrupted by a hand on his shoulder, and a soft greeting. Guido glanced up with a cocked eyebrow.
"Jamester. How's it hangin'?"
His tone was nonchalant, but Guido was on full alert. Jamie had been on some sick butt fixation recently. Not that Guido had a problem with a butt fixation, but he would rather it be of the female persuasion.
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Post by jamie on Dec 11, 2008 2:42:17 GMT -4
Jamie must catch the big guy off guard. Jamie must be very careful here not to give away Jamie's plan.
The fact that he was thinking about himself in third person was really not all that strange, when you thought about it. Jamie looked closer at the book in Guido's hands and his eyes lit up like a pervert in a porn shop.
"The Tick!" He swiped it out of Guido's greasy fingertips and plopped down next to him. "Oh what a goofy work is man." Jamie had some fairly fond memories of coming home and turning on The Tick after an abnormal day in the lab. "Brushing up on some highbrow reading I see?"
He tossed it back over before Guido had a chance to cry about it and then kicked back in his seat, putting his arms behind his head and sighing discontentedly. "All this peace and quiet is driving me NUTS! Am I right?"
Then he pretended as if an idea had come to him. "I know! What about a game of touch football?"
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Post by Guido Carosella on Dec 15, 2008 19:02:58 GMT -4
Guido's eyebrows raised at the mention of football, but he remained wary. The problem with playing one-on-one with Madrox was that you quickly became outnumbered as the game went on, and that freak wasn't above trying to dogpile him and attempt an atomic wedgie.
"Yeah, some pigskin might be fun. Ya wanna rouse out some of tha others?" It was usually best to have witnesses.
Guido hauled himself out of the couch, considering what football jersey to wear. Bills? Nah, that's just embarrassing. Jets? He loved having Favre on the team, but they still weren't doing that well. That leaves the Giants. Giants it is. The good thing about being a football fan in New York was that you could switch allegiances easily and still be considered a homer.
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Post by jamie on Dec 16, 2008 1:53:06 GMT -4
Oh, this was just like shooting fish in a barrel.
Jamie clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he pulled the trigger on his finger pistol with a sly wink toward his good buddy. "Right. I'll get a whole crew and we'll meet somewhere...say...out by the hedge maze? Great! It'll be great."
With his back turned, his giggle took on a secretive and sinister tenor. "No if's and's or butt's about it," he said to himself as he made his way out the door. Then he couldn't help it. "See you on the back side," he called over his shoulder. "By the hedges!"
This was so good he was going to have to get it on tape. He clapped his hands and a multiple popped out. "Already on it," the multiple said. "One vid cam, and a small crowd of onlookers coming up!" He gave Jamie a salute and ran off before Jamie even had to say one word.
Finally, Jamie thought to himself. Finally he could get some peace of mind.
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Post by Guido Carosella on Dec 23, 2008 0:55:58 GMT -4
That mook could just as easily lit up a neon sign saying "I AM GOING TO MOON AND HUMILIATE YOU. HA HA. LOSER."
Oh, he'd have to get up much earlier in the morning to pull the wool over Guido's eyes. But that's all right. Guido could play along for the moment. First, though, a short detour.
"Yeah, the maze it is, buddy. See ya there. Bring lotsa people. Heh. Just, uh, just gotta find my cleats."
Guido hopped the elevator to the sub-basement. He emerged cautiously into the gleaming hallway. This was the haunt of the more responsible and therefore boring members of the team, and Guido had no interest in explaining himself to any of them at the moment. Fortunately for him, Guido's age and tenure allowed himself to be included on the short list of people who had access to the door he tiptoed towards. He stopped in front of a door that read, "TACTICAL EQUIPMENT STORAGE: NO ACCESS EXCEPT FOR AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL," and keyed in his code on a pad next to the latch.
Scott had made the grave mistake of thinking Guido was authorized personnel. Sucker.
The door slid open and Guido stepped to a shelf where rows of canisters that resembled small fire extinguishers sat. He snatched one off the shelf, tucked it under his shirt, and quickly left the room, sealing the door behind him. He took a moment on the elevator to examine his prize.
It was a military-grade canister of pepper foam. Instead of a spray, it shot a sticky goo that made the victim feel as if they were being eaten alive by ants. Ants that were on FIRE!
Guido chuckled evilly as he concealed the canister under his shirt again and mede his way towards the hedge, whistling "Hot Cross Buns" as he went.
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Post by jamie on Dec 28, 2008 23:29:19 GMT -4
******meanwhile*******
Jamie waited patiently in front of a row of hedges. Hidden just on the other side of the hedges was a whole mess of multiples waiting for the cue that Jamie was going to give. The cue was the phrase, "I love raw sewage", which was more or less an homage to the move The Naked Gun.
He still wasn't sure how he was going to work that into the conversation, but he was pretty good at that sort of thing.
Standing there waiting, he suddenly felt the elation and joy sort of take a tumble toward something that felt akin to guilt...or something. Guido was his friend, after all. The guy had a good heart, and he hadn't meant to stick that hairy hiney in his face.
It had all been just a harmless little accident.
Yeah. Like the time that Guido played one little two little three little Jamies. Or the incident that can only be referred to as the Alaskan Pineapple. Jamie shuddered. "Harmless my-"
"Ask him yourself," one of the multiples hissed. Jamie turned around with warning in his eyes.
"Keep it down," he whispered. And then, "What?"
"I have to pee."
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Post by Guido Carosella on Jan 28, 2009 20:48:26 GMT -4
(Gah! Brand-new wireless modem at home and then the computer craps out. My life sucks.)
Guido whistled merrily as he approached the kill zone, idly tossing his well-worn football from hand to hand as he went. His cleats were laced tight, his Giants cap backwards and at a jaunty angle...
His eyes narrowed behind his goggles as he approached Jamie, his prank-dar buzzing loudly in his head. Jamie was standing near a hedgerow, hardly giving them the space required for a game. Nobody else was there either. This was almost too easy. The poor little guy must be slipping.
Unless he WANTED Guido to think he was slipping...
Guido stopped in his tracks. There was a disturbing thought. Maybe he was missing something.
He waved at Jamie, but didn't approach further. "Heya."
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Post by jamie on Feb 17, 2009 8:20:45 GMT -4
It wasn't too long before Guido was approaching. The football he bounced around almost looked like a child's toy in his giant hands. He had on his game face. So did Jamie.
Steeling himself up for the kill, Jamie folded his arms and steadied his nerves.
Hold. Hoooold. Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooollllllld...
The timing had to be just right. For maximum impact the moon had to be just at the right angle...just at the right distance. "Hey," Jamie said back. The timing wasn't quite right yet. Just a few more steps...
He hoped his strained smile wasn't giving away too much.
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Post by Guido Carosella on Feb 23, 2009 21:59:42 GMT -4
If Madrox's smile was any bigger, it'd crack his face.
The plot was beginning to fall together in Guido's mind. The sun was shining towards the hedge, at the perfect angle for a blinding display of moonage. Jamie probably had a camera set up somewhere to catch the shocking moment, to be uploaded in mere moments to YouTube. Oh, how Guido hated YouTube.
He nonchalantly moved the ball near his waisband, where the pepper spray canister lurked. Jamie surely needed a couple more steps to spring his trap. His thumb hooked around the safety pin as he leisurely strolled towards the hedge.
Guido racked up his own smile a couple of notches. "So, what're we playin'? Two hand touch on the back?"
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Post by jamie on Feb 24, 2009 1:18:36 GMT -4
Two hand touchonthawha?
Jamie blinked. “No,” he said a little more defensively than he intended. He reestablished a smile as Guido stepped ever so closer to impending doom. Technically the guy was within range now, but something was irritating the back of Jamie’s mind.
It was Guido. He was up to something.
And Jamie thought he might just know what it was. He was trying to throw him off, that’s what he was doing.
Well it wasn’t going to work, no sir.
Just say the code. The multiples are lined up, the target is within range. Say it. Say, I love raw sewage. Say it!
But Jamie had to get the last word first. Or the first word last. Whichever. “The only thing you need to concern yourself with is my end zone,” he said smugly as he crossed his arms. “And your ball’s going there,” he added.
The words quickly caught up with him and wiped the smile from his face. Somehow the metaphor got mixed around.
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Post by Guido Carosella on Feb 25, 2009 21:33:53 GMT -4
Guido's grin slipped back down a couple of notches as he navigated his way through Jamie's string of innuendo. If he started talking about tight ends and wide receivers, Guido was leaving.
Jamie was nervous. That wasn't a good sign. Madrox was an old hand at this kind of thing, he was normally cool as a cucumber. He had to know the jig was up by now, Guido must be spooking his fox. Ease off a bit, big man.
Guido's hand eased away from his waistband, and tossed the ball to Jamie. "All right, full contact then. If anyone gouges somebody's eye out, it has ta be handed right back before play can continue."
He gave a sharklike grin and cracked his knuckles.
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Post by jamie on Feb 26, 2009 22:58:38 GMT -4
Catching the ball with deft ease, Jamie tucked it under his arm as Guido explained the rules. His gut told him it was now or never. And he hadn't gone through all of this trouble and hassle for never, so he took opportunity where he could and nodded in agreement to the rules of engagement.
"Fair enough," he said. "But I'm afraid it's you who will come out smelling in the end." A little more innuendo never hurt anyone. "Smelling like raw sewage." He grinned as he wound up for the killing blow. "I love raw sewage," he intoned.
And then it all happened as if in slow motion.
Over his shoulder, in the realm that belonged to his peripheral vision, Jamie saw a line of multiples stand up. He could see the pasty whites of their cheeks stretching out as far as his peripheral could manage and then some.
Jamie just held the ball and smiled.
This moment was his.
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Post by Guido Carosella on Feb 27, 2009 15:25:26 GMT -4
It would be upon later reflection that Guido would come to the conclusion that his fatal flaw was removing his hand from the hidden spray canister. If his hand would have remained, he would have had precious seconds to carefully find the safety release and the trigger, and mow down the helpless dupes, laughing all the while. Alas, it was not meant to be.
Guido's carefully arranged smile evaporated into a scowl of confusion as Jamie professed his affection for unprocessed waste products. "What tha crap does that have ta do with..."
Then the hedges erupted into flowers of pasty white backsides. The horror. The horror.
Roaring in triumph, Guido snatched the pepper spray canister in his hand and pointed it at the grotesque bouquet. "Eat pepper, freak!"
As mentioned before, Guido had no time to carefully find the safety release and the trigger on a device that was not designed for hands of his size. As it was, in his haste Guido pointed the canister at the hedge and only succeeded in crushing the entire canister in his fist.
There was a soft pop, much like a canister of biscuits being opened, and dirty brown foam sprayed all over Guido, Jamie, multiple backsides, and any small woodland creatures that had the misfortune of remaining in the area after pants were dropped. Guido's goggles saved his eyes from the burning chemical, but he had little time to savor his victory as his exposed skin kept trying to tell him he was being sacrificed in a volcano.
Guido dropped to the ground, alternately laughing in triumph and howling in pain as he tried to wipe the foam off. "Got ya, ya little...AAARRRGGGH! HA, you shoulda seen yer...OWWWWW!"
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Post by jamie on Feb 27, 2009 16:57:44 GMT -4
For whatever reason, Jamie had been so ultimately consumed with the planning of this little event that he had completely overlooked the chance that Guido might have suspected something was up and might have been poised to launch a counterstrike. In fact, the moment of truth that he had been awaiting, the one where Guido's eyes bugged out behind the thick lenses of his goggles, somehow managed to overshadow all else.
But instead of shielding his eyes and running away in terror, Guido put on his war face and shouted his best battle cry as he reached for something in his...pants? Jamie couldn't see what it was but felt the icy fingers of dread tracing a line down his backbone as Guido brought whatever it was up before him.
"Eat pepper, freak!"
A popping sound preceded a rainshower of foamy brown stuff. It splattered into Jamie's face and rained down on the multiples bare flanks in surprisingly liberal amounts. There was a moment of pause as the nervous system carried the information to the brain and then a chorus of anguished howls.
Jamie was on the ground next to Guido, crying out of bloodshot eyes and laughing at the same time. He wasn't exactly sure how to score this one, but he was leaning toward a personal victory. Even if he was pretty sure that he would never see again because his eyes were being melted out.
Meanwhile, some fifteen pantless multiples scooted across the yard on their hineys and shrieked in agony as they tried to find relief from the relentless brown foam.
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